One of my biggest issues is that I don’t have a passion. Not to say I’m not a passionate person, it’s just that there isn’t anything that I do, that I can think of a way to make a living with. People say, “do what you love” but I’m not sure what I love. I enjoy making things like jewelry and scrapbooks but that’s just fun. When I have to make the same thing over and over, it gets boring. I once made a bunch of duct tape wallets for willing to pay co-workers, I haven’t made any since! I like interior decorating but have limited skills in that department. I snowboard, I have my motorcycle license but I’m not talented enough in each to make much money off of them.
I can start with what I don’t love and therefore what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to sit in front of a computer and punch numbers into spreadsheets. I want to do something that’s fun and if it’s not fun, I hope I’m at least making a difference in the world.
My current retail job feels safe and that’s scary. I left once and I’m afraid to leave again. I’m comfortable, happy enough, content, but I’m not thrilled. Since I graduated high school I always answered the common question, “What do you want to do for a living?” with, “I don’t know but, I do know that I want to be a mom someday.” Is it wrong to want to be a housewife in this day and age? My problem is that I like to shop and I think I’d have a major issue spending someone else’s money.
There is a quote I’ve been thinking about for a while, “A boat is always safe in the harbor, but that’s not what boats are built for.” I’m just looking for some inspiration.
I learned a lot at the internship with the record label. I wish I had interned in college but at the same time, I think I appreciated it more knowing how valuable work experience is. I got another internship with a radio station. They were very encouraging and so willing to show me what they do. Nothing came of it other than added fluff for my resume. Meanwhile I started working at a steakhouse and quit my retail job.
I met a lot of new people at my internships and at the same time, I had started going on some dates from my online dating site. I started to feel dumb whenever anyone asked me what I did. I didn’t feel respected by the customers at the restaurant. My retail job was different. I was respected by my co-workers and the customers. I realized that the grass isn’t always greener!
As far as online dating goes… after many failed dates and annoying guys I decided it was time to delete my online dating profile.
I was already planning on leaving. I was waiting for my part time request to go through before I actually moved out. I didn’t really want it to be so dramatic but I also don’t regret a second of it. I commuted into the city for work everyday. I missed Jersey City. I used to walk to the PATH and take the train into the city and then walk to work. It was relaxing and kind of my get away and alone time. Driving was killing my car and my wallet and the train took double the time driving did. Even after going to part time hours it was killing me. I didn’t even care about this job, why was I going to bust my ass to get to the city everyday.
About a month after the big move, I decided I should probably go to therapy. I was calling out of work a lot and getting sick while I was at work. I was a mess! My room was trashed and full of all the extra stuff I bought while I was in Jersey City. On my days off I was spending hours in bed just watching TV or sleeping. I had never been depressed in my life so it took me a while to admit it to myself.
I started looking for an internship. I had been applying for jobs since graduating but never got an interview and rarely even an email telling me they weren’t interested. I figured almost five years with this retail company wasn’t doing anything for me. Getting an interview for an unpaid internship proved to be just as difficult. I finally got an interview with a small record label about an hour away from home. I told myself if I got this internship I was going to quit my retail job and start working as a server in a restaurant. I figured being a server would force/encourage me into looking for a real job, one I would be proud of.
I was still angry with myself for staying in such an awful relationship and angry with him for treating me so poorly. I needed something to make me feel beautiful and worth something again. I decided to give online dating a shot.
My boyfriend and I were having a hard time agreeing on anything. I had been unhappy for a while when we moved in together. We agreed that this move would either make the relationship or break it. We started to hate each other. It was extremely evident that nothing was going to come of this. I always told myself that I was going to get married young and have all my kids before 30. Somewhere in the back of my head I thought that this was it. I was going to have to spend the rest of my life, miserable, with this guy who clearly didn’t love me. How was I going to start over after a more than three year relationship? How was I going to meet a decent guy? Would I end up with someone just like him again?
On a Sunday night in July my boyfriend asked me why I was still there. I was kind of shocked by the question. My name was on the lease that wasn’t up until November, all my stuff was in the apartment, and I transferred stores to be with him (an hour from home). I had nowhere to go. He told me to pack my shit. Did he just break up with me? I basically freaked out. I couldn’t stop crying. I sat on the stairs of my apartment building at 10:30 that night and sent a text to anyone I could think of. I needed to move out and it needed to be now.
I spent that night on the couch and hadn’t spoken to my boyfriend since I got back in the apartment. I couldn’t sleep. In the morning I acted like I was going to work. He didn’t say a single word to me. The second he walked out the door for work, I called out sick and started packing. I filled my car and drove home to my parents house to meet my amazing friends who were going to help me with the big stuff. We rented a U-Haul and filled it up.
When the last of the stuff was loaded I wrote him a note, “Here is some money for the stuff we both paid for, go buy yourself some towels.” I left that on the kitchen counter with a $100 bill and a coupon for Bed Bath and Beyond. Yes, I took all the towels as well as several other important things that all belonged to me: microwave, toaster oven, plates, cups, silverware, pots and pans, sheets, comforter, vacuum, anything on the walls, shower curtain, desk, coffee table, kitchen table… the apartment was stripped clean. He came home after work to an empty apartment and I was gone for good.
It was one of the proudest moments of my life. I’ve never felt so empowered. Sometimes it takes being completely broken down to realize how strong you really are.
… should be exciting, right!? It kind of was at first.
While I was studying at Rutgers my parents often asked me what I wanted to do when I graduated. I would always get frustrated and tell them that I didn’t know. On several occasions they asked me why I was even going to college and that frustrated me even more. I really didn’t know exactly why I was in college. All I knew was I needed a bachelors degree to get any job that I would be proud of.
I started working my current retail job in February of 2008. I was on my way to my third promotion and signing up for the next semesters classes. I had been pushing for this promotion at my job because it was something completely new and challenging. I was so excited when I got it. I wanted to do an internship, keep my job, and take additional classes all at the same time. The internship required 24 hours per week and my new promotion required 24 hours per week. There is no way I could have done both and taken classes. I chose the job.
I started dating my college boyfriend right before my first semester at Rutgers. He was studying Finance at Rutgers School of Business and he always put school before me no matter what. I quickly realized how important school was to him but I never really understood. For me school was school and all I wanted to do was pass. We stayed together beyond graduation and we both helped him search for a job. Since he had a clear career choice I felt like he should find a job and then I’d look for a job in the same area. He finally got a job (it’s who you know not what you know) and we were going to move to Jersey City. I put in for a transfer to a New York City store (by this time I was on to my fourth promotion and working full time) and we signed a lease for a tiny apartment in downtown Jersey City.
That’s when I finally realized I was miserable.