Moving On

I was already planning on leaving. I was waiting for my part time request to go through before I actually moved out. I didn’t really want it to be so dramatic but I also don’t regret a second of it. I commuted into the city for work everyday. I missed Jersey City. I used to walk to the PATH and take the train into the city and then walk to work. It was relaxing and kind of my get away and alone time. Driving was killing my car and my wallet and the train took double the time driving did. Even after going to part time hours it was killing me. I didn’t even care about this job, why was I going to bust my ass to get to the city everyday.

About a month after the big move, I decided I should probably go to therapy. I was calling out of work a lot and getting sick while I was at work. I was a mess! My room was trashed and full of all the extra stuff I bought while I was in Jersey City. On my days off I was spending hours in bed just watching TV or sleeping. I had never been depressed in my life so it took me a while to admit it to myself.

I started looking for an internship. I had been applying for jobs since graduating but never got an interview and rarely even an email telling me they weren’t interested. I figured almost five years with this retail company wasn’t doing anything for me. Getting an interview for an unpaid internship proved to be just as difficult. I finally got an interview with a small record label about an hour away from home. I told myself if I got this internship I was going to quit my retail job and start working as a server in a restaurant. I figured being a server would force/encourage me into looking for a real job, one I would be proud of.

I was still angry with myself for staying in such an awful relationship and angry with him for treating me so poorly. I needed something to make me feel beautiful and worth something again. I decided to give online dating a shot.

So I Graduated College and Moved Out…

… should be exciting, right!? It kind of was at first.

While I was studying at Rutgers my parents often asked me what I wanted to do when I graduated.  I would always get frustrated and tell them that I didn’t know.  On several occasions they asked me why I was even going to college and that frustrated me even more.  I really didn’t know exactly why I was in college.  All I knew was I needed a bachelors degree to get any job that I would be proud of.

I started working my current retail job in February of 2008.  I was on my way to my third promotion and signing up for the next semesters classes.  I had been pushing for this promotion at my job because it was something completely new and challenging.  I was so excited when I got it.  I wanted to do an internship, keep my job, and take additional classes all at the same time.  The internship  required 24 hours per week and my new promotion required 24 hours per week.  There is no way I could have done both and taken classes.  I chose the job.

I started dating my college boyfriend right before my first semester at Rutgers.  He was studying Finance at Rutgers School of Business and he always put school before me no matter what.  I quickly realized how important school was to him but I never really understood. For me school was school and all I wanted to do was pass.  We stayed together beyond graduation and we both helped him search for a job.  Since he had a clear career choice I felt like he should find a job and then I’d look for a job in the same area.  He finally got a job (it’s who you know not what you know) and we were going to move to Jersey City.  I put in for a transfer to a New York City store (by this time I was on to my fourth promotion and working full time) and we signed a lease for a tiny apartment in downtown Jersey City.

That’s when I finally realized I was miserable.