I was already planning on leaving. I was waiting for my part time request to go through before I actually moved out. I didn’t really want it to be so dramatic but I also don’t regret a second of it. I commuted into the city for work everyday. I missed Jersey City. I used to walk to the PATH and take the train into the city and then walk to work. It was relaxing and kind of my get away and alone time. Driving was killing my car and my wallet and the train took double the time driving did. Even after going to part time hours it was killing me. I didn’t even care about this job, why was I going to bust my ass to get to the city everyday.
About a month after the big move, I decided I should probably go to therapy. I was calling out of work a lot and getting sick while I was at work. I was a mess! My room was trashed and full of all the extra stuff I bought while I was in Jersey City. On my days off I was spending hours in bed just watching TV or sleeping. I had never been depressed in my life so it took me a while to admit it to myself.
I started looking for an internship. I had been applying for jobs since graduating but never got an interview and rarely even an email telling me they weren’t interested. I figured almost five years with this retail company wasn’t doing anything for me. Getting an interview for an unpaid internship proved to be just as difficult. I finally got an interview with a small record label about an hour away from home. I told myself if I got this internship I was going to quit my retail job and start working as a server in a restaurant. I figured being a server would force/encourage me into looking for a real job, one I would be proud of.
I was still angry with myself for staying in such an awful relationship and angry with him for treating me so poorly. I needed something to make me feel beautiful and worth something again. I decided to give online dating a shot.