One of my biggest issues is that I don’t have a passion. Not to say I’m not a passionate person, it’s just that there isn’t anything that I do, that I can think of a way to make a living with. People say, “do what you love” but I’m not sure what I love. I enjoy making things like jewelry and scrapbooks but that’s just fun. When I have to make the same thing over and over, it gets boring. I once made a bunch of duct tape wallets for willing to pay co-workers, I haven’t made any since! I like interior decorating but have limited skills in that department. I snowboard, I have my motorcycle license but I’m not talented enough in each to make much money off of them.
I can start with what I don’t love and therefore what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to sit in front of a computer and punch numbers into spreadsheets. I want to do something that’s fun and if it’s not fun, I hope I’m at least making a difference in the world.
My current retail job feels safe and that’s scary. I left once and I’m afraid to leave again. I’m comfortable, happy enough, content, but I’m not thrilled. Since I graduated high school I always answered the common question, “What do you want to do for a living?” with, “I don’t know but, I do know that I want to be a mom someday.” Is it wrong to want to be a housewife in this day and age? My problem is that I like to shop and I think I’d have a major issue spending someone else’s money.
There is a quote I’ve been thinking about for a while, “A boat is always safe in the harbor, but that’s not what boats are built for.” I’m just looking for some inspiration.
I was already planning on leaving. I was waiting for my part time request to go through before I actually moved out. I didn’t really want it to be so dramatic but I also don’t regret a second of it. I commuted into the city for work everyday. I missed Jersey City. I used to walk to the PATH and take the train into the city and then walk to work. It was relaxing and kind of my get away and alone time. Driving was killing my car and my wallet and the train took double the time driving did. Even after going to part time hours it was killing me. I didn’t even care about this job, why was I going to bust my ass to get to the city everyday.
About a month after the big move, I decided I should probably go to therapy. I was calling out of work a lot and getting sick while I was at work. I was a mess! My room was trashed and full of all the extra stuff I bought while I was in Jersey City. On my days off I was spending hours in bed just watching TV or sleeping. I had never been depressed in my life so it took me a while to admit it to myself.
I started looking for an internship. I had been applying for jobs since graduating but never got an interview and rarely even an email telling me they weren’t interested. I figured almost five years with this retail company wasn’t doing anything for me. Getting an interview for an unpaid internship proved to be just as difficult. I finally got an interview with a small record label about an hour away from home. I told myself if I got this internship I was going to quit my retail job and start working as a server in a restaurant. I figured being a server would force/encourage me into looking for a real job, one I would be proud of.
I was still angry with myself for staying in such an awful relationship and angry with him for treating me so poorly. I needed something to make me feel beautiful and worth something again. I decided to give online dating a shot.